Snippet: Calm. Non-Anxious. Curious.
Snip·pet | ˈsnipit | noun a small piece or brief extract.
Here’s one from the Gospel Coalition’s As In Heaven podcast episode on “What is Casual Dechurching and Is There Hope?” It’s in the context of what the dechurched need from us:
“Relational wisdom is what helps people experience you as calm, non-anxious, and curious, the kinds of things that you would want from like a really excellent counselor. …It creates an environment of infectious relationship building.”
The hosts conducted a major study that concluded that about 75% of evangelicals who are dechurched did not stop attending church because of hurt, anger, or major disagreements. Most got busy or out of the habit of attending. And most just need a nudge to return.
The point isn’t church attendance, either. It’s discipleship in the context of Christian community.
My default is to get a bit excitable (even contentious sometimes), anxious, and verbose when talking to people who are drifting away or have drifted away. Especially if those people are beloved church members I know well, close friends, or family.
I’m not alone. I often see my default in parents of teen or grown kids who have drifted or are drifting.
Calm. Non-anxious. Curious.
How can we be more like that? Here’s what has actually worked for me.
I became convinced that being contentious and argumentative, being anxious and uptight, and talking a lot (sharing all my “wisdom”) in situations like this is not helpful. It’s destructive. We need to be convinced.
I had to reduce the amount of input I received from well-meaning and often really smart cultural critics who seem intent on causing alarm, anxiety, and anger. And for what? What good do alarm, anxiety, and anger bring to situations like this? It works for raising money for a cause, but it doesn’t work relationally. There are podcasts, for instance, that I use to recommend that I only selectively or rarely listen to anymore for this very reason. I don’t bury your head in the sand. I stay informed, but I reduce the noise. I do still sometimes listen to those who I think are intent on raising my temperature, but I spend more time listening to culture analysts that offer what I feel is a more humble and constructive approach. Some of my favorites include Justin Giboney and Chris Bulter’s Church Politics Podcast. I also appreciate the writings of people like Trevin Wax, Tim Keller, Russel Moore, Ed Stetzer, and many others who have the pulse of our culture, a deep grasp of the gospel, and a humble stance. I find Preston Sprinkle’s approach in his Theology in the Raw podcast to be calm, non-anxious, and curious. Mark Sayers in the Rebuilders Podcast is also the epitome of those three traits. There are many others.
And I apply to myself the immortal words of Bob Newhart, playing a counselor in a Mad TV sketch from years ago: “Stop it!!!” Seriously. To just stop it isn’t great advice for most of our emotional struggles or mental health issues, but on something like this, it has worked wonders for me. Stop doing what drives people we care about away. Stop it! Replace it with a calm, non-anxious, and curious presence. If you can’t stop it and these people mean the world to you, get help. Please.
Photo by Philipp Torres on Unsplash
